Day 47

Day 47 It’s still early so I have the better part of three days to go. Haven’t weighed myself in days… I’m confident I’m under 115 and there’s a chance I could be close to 110. Why the chance? Well, it’s raining today so now’s a good time to tell you – I’m stuck in the tent, anyway. It’s lethargy. I think it’s lethargy. If my head were clearer I could likely tell you for sure. I’m not at my most cogent. I have no energy to speak of, no desire to do anything, and am too spaced out thinking about food to care. This last week, since the hunger started up again, I haven’t had the concentration necessary for meditation, I’ve been too week to do my calisthenic routine, have barely attended to my prayers, and this is the first blog post I’ve written in a week… so I think it’s lethargy. I can barely be bothered to drink water. I’m supposed to be drinking almost three liters a day, more if I can choke it down. Yesterday, I drank half a liter. The day before… about the same. My gut is burning most of the day. My intestines gurgle and move liquid; I can hear it sloshing around. I’m mostly uncomfortable and don’t want to move from the tent. The more I drink, the less comfortable I am, and, given the constitution of my bowel contents, the more likely I’ll soil my drawers again. The last pair I just threw under the wash bucket and haven’t seen them since. Today, it’s raining and I don’t feel obligated to do anything. I said my prayers this morning. That’ll have to be good enough. If I were feeling melodramatic, I’d say that I was miserable or that this last week has been tortuous, but it’s been even worse than that. I’ve been apathetic for the better part of it and too spaced out to even care about that. I’m so close to the end that I know I’ll be fine. Just go to sleep at night for as long as I can and lay down during the day as much as I can. When I’m done, they’ll come get me and I’ll pack up the site and we’ll go. We’ll go somewhere where there is nutrition, somewhere with calories, somewhere with juices with sugars. And I’ll be right as rain. For now… The pattering against the walls of my tent tell me that it’s fine to lay down for a while longer. The rain reduces traffic near the tree and I can be left alone in my reveries of food. This morning and last night my mind has been filled with cupcakes; food colorings, frostings, fillings, decorations, combinations, and it’s been a wonderful place in there. Maybe next week I’ll be cogent.